How Not to Be a Jerk

There is a particular pleasure in seeing a book called How Not to Be a Jerk. Somebody comes to mind immediately.

Perhaps several people. You may already be considering a bulk order.

Then comes the less comfortable possibility that somebody else has seen the same title and thought of us.

I suggest we begin there. We can keep our mental gift list, but for the next few pages, let’s put it down.

Most ordinary encounters give us very little time to consider what sort of person we are becoming. Someone interrupts. A message arrives. A colleague makes a mistake we have already explained twice. We respond, and only later discover that the words we considered beautifully clear were received as a small personal demolition.

Sometimes the other person misunderstood. Sometimes we were careless. Sometimes both happened. Sorting that out requires more attention than announcing that we meant well and heading off to make tea.

This book concerns those moments and the habits that grow around them. Its aim is to help us become people who are easier to talk to, disagree with, ask for help, and trust with an uncomfortable truth. We will look at familiar situations: advice that arrives before it is wanted, arguments that outlive the question being argued, help that quietly takes over, and apologies that require the injured person to do most of the work.