Name the point, not the person
Imagine a colleague has changed an arrangement you thought was settled. ‘You never listen’ invites an argument about their entire history. ‘I thought we agreed to leave the booking until Friday’ gives you something specific to check together.
This does not require pretending the change was harmless. Describe the action and its consequence: ‘I have already told the others Friday, so now I need to correct that.’ You can be direct without deciding what sort of person your colleague must be.
Ask one question before giving your answer
Try: ‘What changed?’ or ‘What did you understand we had agreed?’ There may be information you do not have. There may also be a straightforward mistake. A question makes room to discover which.
Listen through the answer. If you interrupt to correct every phrase, the exchange can turn into a competition to finish a sentence. You can return to the detail that matters once the other person has explained.
Say what you still disagree with
Understanding an explanation does not oblige you to accept it. ‘I understand why you wanted an answer today. I still needed you to check with me before changing the date’ keeps both parts visible.
Avoid attaching a character verdict to the end. Words such as ‘obviously’ and ‘as any sensible person would know’ can add an insult without adding information. State the reason you think the decision was wrong.
Keep the boundary clear
Being considerate does not require endless availability. You can say, ‘I can discuss the booking, but I’m not willing to be shouted at.’ If the exchange keeps becoming insulting, pause it or use another appropriate way to resolve the issue.
These suggestions concern ordinary disagreements. They are not a requirement to continue contact with someone who threatens or harms you.
Repair your part without collecting all the blame
Perhaps you did interrupt or make a dismissive remark. A specific apology can be short: ‘I cut you off. I’m sorry. Please finish.’ The next action matters as much as the sentence: let the person finish.
You can apologise for that interruption and still disagree about the booking. Keeping responsibilities separate makes it easier to address what happened without turning the conversation into a verdict on either person’s whole character.
Try one change
Before the next difficult conversation, choose one thing to do differently: name the exact issue, ask a question, or let the answer finish. Afterwards, notice what happened. Did you understand the disagreement more clearly? Did you keep the boundary you needed?
How Not to Be a Jerk explores these everyday questions through humour, fictional scenes and practical reflection. Read the opening sample to see whether its approach feels useful to you.